Sunday, January 30, 2011


I am so sad today. It seems that my grief is endless and that there is no end to the guilt that I feel, believing that I failed Spankee in so many ways.  I know that I was  a good mother to him throughout his eleven years, that I did my best to care for him and to love him in so many ways.  That was easy.  But when he was diagnosed, I froze emotionally and the parts of me that should have jumped in to action, froze as well.  And this is where I feel I let him down terribly.  He was my responsibility, his very life depended on me, on the actions that I took, on the care that I sought out for him, and I failed.  I should have done more research, asked more questions, made sure that I was doing everything I could for him.  But I didn't.  I continued on with the motions of day to day life, working, interacting with people, going on vacation, all the while, dooming him to an earlier death than was likely his fate because I didn't want to face the truth of his dying.   When the vet gave me websites to research, when friends suggested different modes of treatment or other people to contact, I started the process of looking in to care options for him, but then I became so exhausted and I did what I always do in times of extreme emotional devastation, I shut down.  And in this case I shut down the very parts of me that he needed.  He needed me to do the work of finding how best to care for him, and instead, I went inside and sat with my own self: my feelings of loss, my not wanting to be without him, my 'how am I going to do this', me, me, me.  I am so selfish.  Taz keeps telling me that it wasn't me that killed Spankee, it was the kidney disease.  And yes, I get that.  I get that his ultimate death was not my fault.  But I do believe that the timeliness of his death, only three months after his diagnosis, was because of my inability to dig deep and find my inner strength and do what needed to be done for him.  So, in the end, I failed him.  Just like I failed my other cat Gidget.  Just like I failed my Dad.  And ultimately, just like I fail myself on a regular basis.  How do I find my way through this?

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